


Remember the Pain

by elissebear



Series: Thea Shepard Series [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Mass Effect 2: Arrival, Mass Effect 2: Lair of the Shadow Broker, Mass Effect 2: Overlord, Mass Effect 3: Citadel, Mass Effect 3: Leviathan, Mass Effect 3: Omega, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-16
Packaged: 2017-12-28 13:17:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elissebear/pseuds/elissebear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting from Mass Effect 1 and working through the other two and beyond. This is the story of Thea E. Shepard and the trials of her life, such as finding love, saving the world and learning just who she is.</p><p>Updates every other Saturday.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bones

> Welcome back, Captain Anderson.

> What is it you are searching for?
> 
> File opened. Showing Lieutenant Commander T. E. Shepard.
> 
> Service History: Commander Shepard was the sole survivor of the Akuze thresher maw attack. Her entire squad was killed in action and the Commander was severally injured before she was rescued from the planet.
> 
>  
> 
> Pre-Service History:  Thea Evia Shepard was born in…Error. No information found… Searching…Searching…Error. No information found.
> 
> * * *
> 
> Shit. Someone had hacked my file. Again. This wasn’t the first time. Nor would it be the last, I was sure. Someone on the Normandy was curious about me, at least that much they’d been able to find out before our wanna-be hacker had managed to cover up their trace. Reaching up a hand, I brushed it through scarlet locks, pushing them back from hyacinth eyes.
> 
> Tomorrow, I started my first day on the Normandy. Tomorrow, a new adventure would start and a smile curled my lips as I rose from my desk, tossing a final look over my shoulder before I walked back to my bedroom to finish packing my meager belongings.
> 
> For the last few months, this pace had been my home away from home. It was just a small apartment with a narrow bed, a dresser, side table, small kitchenette and that was about it aside from a bathroom. Sitting crossed legged in front of the aforementioned dresser; I opened my duffle bag and pulled open the bottom drawer. Within the duffle bag resided every shirt and pair of pants I owned, including my nightwear of shorts and tank tops on the right side and the left was underwear, bras, socks, the three pairs of shoes I wore on my personal time and the two pairs of combat boots that went with my uniform, I was wearing the third pair already. In between that was a small kit that held any make-up I owned as well as my toothbrush in its case, tooth paste, my hair brush, extra hair ties, face wash, shampoo, conditioner and body wash. Everything I technically needed to be ready to leave in the morning, but there was one last thing I had to bring.
> 
>  
> 
> Pulling open that bottom drawer I stared within at the white tiger resting within. It was a memento from my childhood, a stuff animal that I couldn’t bear to part with and thus, even if it was hidden away, I always brought it with me. With quick, nimble fingers, I lifted up a section of shirts and pants and laid the stuffed toy between them before smoothing them over it and zipping the bag before rising from the ground in one fluid motion. Tomorrow was the start of a new life, that’s how I saw it anyways; the start of a new adventure and a time to begin something exciting and undiscovered.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh. I repeated the mantra over and over in my head as I looked at the pilot in front of me. He was snarky, sarcastic and just downright rude, but I wanted to laugh. It wasn’t everyday that a man acted this way towards someone who had more power and influence then he could ever have in the world. To say I liked him would be an understatement. He was complaining about Nihlus which, I had to agree with his views. Spectres were trouble. Always had been, always would be.
> 
> Leaning an arm on the back of his chair, I dropped my chin down onto it as he finished his speech and sent a side long glance towards Alenko. The other man seemed inclined to not understand what Moreau was talking about and I rolled my eyes towards the ceiling, shaking my head slightly before adding in my two cents, “Come on boys, Spectres may be trouble, but this is just a wee bit exciting, don’t you think? He’s a TURIAN on a HUMAN run ship. I for one want to know what he’s doing here.” Both men looked at me surprised and for a moment, I wondered if they’d even realized I was there, which caused a wolfish grin to spread across my lips as I stood up once more as Anderson came over the com.
> 
>  
> 
> Moreau fired off some smart ass remark about Nihlus and the growl in Anderson’s voice had me bringing my hand up to smack audibly against my face. “Great, thanks. When he chews my head off, I’m coming back for yours, Moreau.” I hit the back of his hat, causing it to fall off his head as I turned and walked away, ponytail swinging as I heard the two males I was leaving behind, begin to talk about my seemingly strange behavior. That was their opinion. If they asked anyone else who had ever served with me before, they’d tell you it was completely normal for me to be that way with others.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
> Eden fucking Prime. What a shit ass mission that had been.  It was fanfuckingtabulous the things that had happened on that planet. NOT! It had to have been the biggest pile of bullshit from the moment we landed to the moment we left. First, fucking FIRST! Jenkins, the little twat had decided to be cocky and over confident and now? Now he was dead and oh looky! His body was in a cooler, being preserved so that we could send him home to his family. Isn’t that just GREAT?
> 
> Second, we got miss stick up her ass, Ashley Williams. To me, she had a holier than thou attitude and I wanted to upper cut her right in the chin. No one was better than anyone in my book.
> 
> Next up on our list of I-hate-my-life is, Nihlus was dead. Shot and killed by someone he THOUGHT he could trust. Saren, the smarmy bastard. I’d get him for that one, oh yes I would. Nihlus was apparently, my one chance at furthering humanity in the galaxy. He was supposed to be watching me to see if I could make it as a Spectre and now, he had a bullet hole in his head. Yippee!
> 
> Finally, the last thing on this rather absurd list of bullshit things to happen to Commander Thea Evia Shepard is a stupid artifact put me on my ass thanks to Alenko deciding to get just a wee bit too close to the stupid cunt wad thing. My head was killing me. I should have just let it snag him instead of having to play hero all the damn time.
> 
> Currently, my arms were crossed over my eyes, blocking out the harsh light that wanted to eat away at my retina and foul my mood further. There was a pounding thud in my temples and I wanted very badly to tell the Krogan that had decided to thump against them to kindly back the hell up, but I knew that said Krogan wasn’t real and that it was all the lights’ and beacon’s fault. Shifting, I grabbed the pillow from under my head, carefully placing it flat before putting the rock that passed as a pillow over my eyes and then dropped my arms down to my sides with an almost grateful sigh.
> 
> Talking with others hadn’t gone so well. Alenko was about shitting himself trying to apologize for his own stupidity and all I could do was place a false smile on my face and tell him it wasn’t his fault. Really? I wanted to cuff him upside the head and ask him what the hell he’d been thinking and then I’d had to talk to Anderson, not one of my shining moments seeing as my head felt like someone had stomped all over it, but I’d managed, sort of anyways. It was better than nothing, really.
> 
> Rising from the bed, my thoughts all pushed aside for now, I headed towards the CIC and Moreau. Alenko was waiting for me, leaning against a wall. Lifting a hand, I waved him off, smiling wanly and touching my head to show that I still wasn’t feeling so well before heading up the stairs two at a time. Once at the top of them, I paused to take a breath, rolling my head from side to side on my shoulders to try and relieve some of the stress I was feeling. When that didn’t work, I bounced through the doors, walking briskly to the cockpit to go and speak with our lovely pilot.
> 
> “Commander, good to see you up and moving, but by the look on your face it seems to me you’d rather be laying down.” His voice was light and joking, not at all what I was used to and I shrugged before crossing my arms on his chair and resting my chin on it with an exaggerated sigh.
> 
> “You are completely correct. I would rather be lying down, sleeping or playing dead than walking around right now. My head feels like a Krogan is sitting on it.” I laid my cheek against my forearm, violet eyes closing to block out the flickering lights of the stars outside the cockpit.
> 
> I felt the man in the chair shift to look back at me and once more, his voice drifted to my ears, “We’ll be arriving at the Citadel soon.” I let out a soft groan before standing up once more and walking toward the co-pilot seat and dropping down into it. At least if I was sitting here it wasn’t as weird if people looked at us compared to if I’d remained leaning against his seat. I could see him tossing side long glances my way, as though my presence made him nervous. Well, tough shit, my head was beating like a drum and for once in my life, I didn’t feel the keen need to move around like a mad woman on a mission. Even if I was on a mission to do something and that mission was to take down Saren. I set my mind to that goal, focusing my inner gaze on that one task. If it was the last thing I did in this life, I would take Saren down, make him regret what he’d done and I would do it with style, grace and everything else that made me Commander Thea Shepard, Alliance Marine, Sole Survivor, Earthborn Hero. Sucking down a deep breath, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, a wicked grin curling my lips as I listened to Moreau rattle off the check list of his, letting everyone know we were getting ready to dock and what all was being done to make ready for that.
> 
> However, a sharp gasp and the tumble of words from both Ashley and Kaiden drew my head up and I rose from my seat to see what had caught their attention.
> 
> “It looks like a retarded fish.” The words slipped from my mouth before I could stop them and though I was surprised and appealed by them on the inside, I kept a disinterested mask on my face as everyone in the cockpit turned to look at me.
> 
> Then, he snorted, our wonderful pilot and I turned to look at him as he was nodding his head, “I have to agree with you, Commander, it does scream ‘look at me! I’m a retarded fish!’”
> 
> Reaching out a hand, I lightly patted the top of his head, a wolfish grin touching my features as I leaned lightly against the side of his chair, “Glad someone here agrees with me.” The other two looked like slack jawed fools for all the response they were able to give me and I was quick to roll my eyes and shove off the chair, moving to the airlock with long legged ease. “Come on, you two; time to go play nice with the politics.” I tossed the words over my shoulder as we finished docking and I entered the airlock ready to leave the ship for however long this was going to take us.


	2. Paradise Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Those of you reading this, feel epic because I'm posting this early. I have too much going on this coming weekend to be able to post it on the 19th and the next few days will be crazy as well. Now enjoy!

> I think I’m still in shock. My life had taken a turn for the unbelievable. I stood here in front of the airlock to the Normandy not just a Spectre, but also its new leader. My hands shook lightly with both excitement and trepidation. Taking one slow, even breath, I opened the doors and stepped into the airlock, two of my newest crewmates behind me. Garrus stood tall, but seemed a little unsure of himself, while Wrex seemed perfectly at ease with where he was and that was soothing somehow. With that thought in mind, I moved into the ship and waved the two aliens onward in an attempt to allow them to make themselves comfortable while I moved to talk to Moreau about our game plan.
> 
> “I heard what happened to Captain Anderson.” Where the first words I heard out of his mouth and I let out a soft, self-deprecating sigh as I listened to his miniature rant about how I would be next if I wasn’t careful. I leaned my hip against his seat; arms folded and shook my head.
> 
> “Am I a horrible person for not fighting to get him back on this ship?” I said the words in an off to the side sort of way, eyes turned towards one of the windows as we pulled away from the docking bay.
> 
> He didn’t answer me and I wondered if he’d even heard me, but if he hadn’t, that was fine by me. Leaning forward, my fingers hovered over the com button and I slide a glance towards the man beside me, “Guess I better speak to the crew.” After that, it was like I was on autopilot, just trying to get through the mundane things that were required of me. My speech was short and sweet, straight to the point with no fuss and then, I was flopping down into the co-pilot seat, glad for the moment that no one really came to bother Flight Lieutenant Moreau.
> 
> “Rough day?” There was almost mockery to his tone and it caused me to arch a brow and look at him dead-pan.
> 
> Pointing at him in a lazy fashion, I wagged the delicate limb at him, eyes narrowed, “You, mister, are asking to have something thrown at you. Rough day? Do you really have to mock me about it?” With that, I dropped my hand, allowing my arm to hang over the side of the chair, fingertips nearly skimming the raised portion of the ground beside me.
> 
> “Touché.” Was the last thing he said before I tossed him the coordinates for where we were going might as well tell him now rather than walk all the way to the galaxy map.
> 
> As we set course and moved out, I stayed in the seat beside him, just listening to his pre-FTL checks. My head turned so that I could stare idly out the window, watching the stars zip by faster than I could have imagined possible before I’d come to space, but now this was my reality and even if I hadn’t wanted it when I’d started out here, I’d quickly come to love my job.
> 
> The blue-purple haze that always surrounded the windows when we hit FTL appeared and I looked away, mourning the loss of my clear view of the stars. Rising from my seat, I lifted his sat, ruffled his hair before sloppily placing his hat back on his head. I could hear him mumbling and cursing me as I walked away, but what did I care? It was the only thing I could do easily with him so focused on his job that would let him know I was walking away or that he was my new found entertainment.
> 
> * * *
> 
>  “I hate Therum.” I snarled the words as I sniped the head off a geth before settling back into cover. It had been one hell of a ride. First, we’d landed here and I’d had to listen to my team bitch and moan about my driving. It wasn’t that bad. It’s not like we’d ended up in a lava pit or anything like that! Anyways, we’d battled a battalion of geth to get to the ruins and now we were fighting more of them just to try and find a way in to the whiny Asari’s prison. Fanfuckingtabulous. I beat my head against my hiding place, mumbling incoherently about how much I was starting to hate people and geth and everything.
> 
> “Oh come on, Commander, it isn’t THAT bad.” His voice was a shock to the system and inadvertently, I tilted my head up towards the ceiling, snarling.
> 
> Grumbling more, I leaned out to head shot another geth before huddling back and finally dignifying Moreau with a response, “Flight Lieutenant, you are asking for it and I’ll give it to you, when I get back.”
> 
> “Promises, promises.” I heard the laughter and taunting in his voice and an almost feral smile curled my lips.
> 
> “Oh darling man, I don’t make promises I can’t keep.” That shut him up real quick and I was rather proud of myself.  After that, things went as well as anything ever goes when I’m involved. First we got through to the little Asari girl, she was so happy to see us I could have puked. Then, we have a Krogan battle master show up and try to kill us!
> 
> “Mother fucking cocksucker!” I snarled the words as I sent another round of bullets into my opponent. I could hear laughter over the com and then Garrus was commenting on my anger management issues, but I didn’t dignify him with a response. I was much too busy trying to put this sucker down. The little Asari girl was inclined to at least attempt to help, but it wasn’t much good and at one point, I even had to drag her back down into cover. Not something I was usually inclined to do, but I did it anyways. She was, apparently, rather important to the council, so I guess that meant I had to keep her alive.
> 
> Dead, that’s what this Krogan was and I gave him a swift kick to make sure he was really down for the count. When he didn’t move, I nodded, satisfied that I wasn’t going to be attacked once more and took off out that place like a bat out of hell, my team racing ahead of me.  “Come on, Moreau, where the hell are you.” I was whispering the words to myself as we exited the crumbling mess of the Prothean ruins and I blinked, surprised to find that the Normandy was sweeping in to save us.
> 
> A wide, unrestrained grin curled my lips as with a last ditch effort, we leaped on to the ship and the volcano exploded, lava flowing across the land as we took to the sky. I stared at it as the doors closed and breathed a sigh of relief when it was finally out of sight before turning and waiting patiently for the airlock protocols to be done. Tapping my foot lightly against the ground, I crossed and uncrossed my arms, rolled my shoulders, popped my neck, shifted my weight, everything and then the doors slide open and I walked out with purpose, turning my gaze swiftly to Moreau and walked into the cockpit, lightly tapping his shoulder. “Good job down there.”
> 
> “Just doing my job.” There was a bland note to his voice and I lifted a quizzal brow, opening my mouth to ask him what was up, till he told me the crew was waiting to be debriefed and that the council was on the line waiting to speak to me. Giving his shoulder another pat, I turned and walked away towards the debriefing room.
> 
> It went as expected. The Asari was completely and utterly in love with me on sight it seemed, buttering up to me in ways that I found more than just a wee bit creepy. I shrugged it off though, let her play with my mind and then proceeded to hang up on the council. Yes, hang up on them, because let’s face it, they suck. Moreau seemed to enjoy that more than a little bit and as I walked out of the room, I decided it might be nice to sit down and chat with him for awhile. Boy was I wrong.
> 
> I sat down in the co-pilots chair and turned to face him, hands folded in front of me and a contemplative look on my face. I could see his gaze flicker towards me before looking back at the screens in front of him as I opened my mouth, “So…” Was all I got out before he cut me off.
> 
> “You’ve seen my file haven’t you?” He went on a tirade and I just sat there, blinking at him wide eyed. I pursed my lips, holding back whatever might want to come out only to remain within. In that little speech I learned a lot about him and by the end of it, my eyebrows were raised and I leaned towards him slowly.
> 
> “I didn’t know any of that, Flight Lieutenant. I haven’t had time to look at anyone’s files, but it is good to know. Makes what you’ve done seem just that much more impressive. You’ve earned every good thing anyone has ever said about you and I’m not easily impressed, but I’m pretty sure you may have just blown my mind. In a good way.” A secret smile curled my lips before I rose from my seat, “Well, I was looking for a moment of friendly conversation, but you seem rather flustered so I’ll just leave you be.” I didn’t wait for him to say anything as I walked off, moving with quick efficient steps. I heard him call for me, but I ignored him and instead headed down the stairs and straight into my cabin for a few moments of silence if nothing else.
> 
> The door hissed shut behind me and I locked it before pressing my back against it, eyes shut. My head ached and though my eyes were closed, the lights within seemed too bright and with a wave of my omni-tool, they shut off and I was left within the darkness of what used to be Anderson’s room. I still couldn’t see it as mine because I’d never really had anything of my own beyond the tiger, but other than that? I’d been a kid on the streets, claiming anything as my own unless it was given to me was impossible.
> 
> A soft, humorless chuckle left me as I pushed off the wall and walked over to my trunk, popping it open and pulled out my tiger. Glancing around quickly as if someone might see, I tossed it up onto the bed before stripping out of my clothes. Normally, I would have put them away nicely, but the longer I looked at the bed, the more sleep called to me and stripped down to nothing, but my underwear, I flopped face first onto the mattress and curled up around my tiger, holding the stuff animal close, like it might help to ward off the headache that thumped and pulsed behind my closed eyelids.
> 
> Sleep didn’t come easy, but when it did, I was more or less dead to the world, until the dreams came. You couldn’t really call them dreams, more like nightmares, but they came all the same. Flashbacks of my life as a child, joining the alliance, Akuze, all the pain I’d been through until I was assigned to the Normandy and then the visions from the beacon. I tossed and turned, mumbled and moaned, only to sit up suddenly. I was shaking, cold sweat rolled down my bare skin and I slowly licked my lower lip. I had a feeling that I was never going to get a good night’s sleep again. Those days were gone for good now. I stood up from the bed, shoving my tiger under the pillow and dressed once more, gathering up my shower supplies as I prepared to leave the room.


End file.
